Who knew that opening a book could result in the opening of my heart?

First time ever blogging, we'll see how this goes! (Feel free to leave comments on my blogging style below if I'm doing it all wrong)

As I worked my way through the first chapter I can honestly say that my reaction to it could be summed up in one single word; skepticism. I was quick to try to dismiss any notion that I should be embracing "romantic daydreaming" heart desires by citing verses such as Jeremiah 17:9 ("The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?") and 1 Corinthians 13:11 (When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me."). I was drawn in however when the author posed the very question that I was asking him with arms crossed, "What does this Romance have to do with God?" I was really wrestling with the thought that a book is supposed to tell you what to do, not relate to you about feelings that you've had. This question showed me that we were in fact getting somewhere and that he author is aware of impatient, answer focused people and allowed me to relax into the ride that they were taking me on. 

After that, I can honestly say that I am getting a lot out of the book. I really resonated with the idea of fear trying to choke out our hope. I experienced this a lot during the election season. There is a part of me that would rather die that give into hopelessness and fear. This came out when I took an honest look at my vote and discovered that the only reason that I was going to vote for Romney was out of fear of what President Obama would do if re-elected. This upset me and I did not want to resign my soul to a world where I made my decisions with cold calculation and fear. This is why, even though many may call it childish and impractical, I wrote "King Jesus" in for my vote for President. The amazing thing for me was how freeing it was for me to do that. It was like I was finally able to break the shackles of fear and "practicality" and truly embrace my heart and its hopes in that moment.

I also was able to see more about the past wounds that I had received. Growing up, I wanted to be both the hero and the romantic lover of the story as is to be expected. Life began to try tell me however that I could never be the hero. I was not as athletic as any of my friends and that was a huge deal for me. I was made fun of and made an outcast due to me lack of physical strength. At the beginning of high school, I decided to throw in the towel and give up on my aspirations to become the hero and pursue the only remaining option of being the lover. I exchanged my football cleats for a microphone, dance shoes, and a stage. I began to pour my whole life out in an attempt to become the kind of character that you see in chick flicks  lacking in masculinity but making up for it in ability to win over a woman's heart. This desperate and frankly pathetic pursuit was not fulfilling to me however because I still had the need, despite how hard I attempted to repress it, to be the one who goes through the flames and uses every ounce of his masculine strength to pull through. The pain that I felt from this climaxed when I realized that my father was silently worrying for me that I was becoming homosexual due to my sudden change of interests in activities. That devastated me.

I am excited to go through this book because while I have made great strides in allowing God to speak truth over me in this area and allowing him to reawaken the desire for heroism, I am realizing that I haven't done much to deal with the pain of the past wounds yet. My energy has been much more focused on trying to surround myself with men that I see to possess that heroic spark and try to have them recognize it in me as well. When those moments come that I feel validated in my heroism,  it provides some encouragement and relief from the pain of the past wounds, but the wounds themselves still remain. I am excited to continue through this book and hope that it sheds some light on where I am supposed to go now, because right now I feel very exposed and hopeful, but not yet resolved.



-Dylan