I am constantly unprepared for this book! Here are my most recent thoughts...
College had been such a crazy, romantic time for me. My relationship with the Lord lit my heart up and unveiled a new way of living. For a long time I felt like I was actively living within the Romance. Everyday was consumed with Him...it was always Him.
In an unforeseen way, marriage changed things. You might think more romance is good for the Romance - and technically, you're right. This earthly relationship should spur my heart on for the Heavenly Romance. And really, it does (I LOVE marriage - ask anybody!) However, the older I get, the more components I'm adding to my life. First I added a husband. But I also subtracted the close proximity of my best girl friend at the same time. Those were two huge adjustments. Then I added a job that broke my heart, a job that worked my heart over, and a job my heart had always wanted. This also had its adjustments - not to mention its mental exercises. Then we moved 3 times, changed vocations, and had a baby.
The reality is...my heart has become so distracted and cluttered. I feel constantly confronted with living up to the expectations of my new roles. Just when I feel like I've got a handle on one new aspect of life, a whole new collection of expectations come to my plate.
At times this has silenced the call of the Romance for me. I often hear it calling, but stuff it away to answer to call of "life's expectations".
Lately, I've seen myself longing for it in the way I act. I need what only an adventure with the Lord can give me, but I put the responsibility of fulfilling this need on my husband, other people, or my job. I feel as though I'm turning back around on those things that have expectation of me and I say "What's in it for me? What are you giving me in return? You demand so much out of me, don't you have something to offer now that I'm empty?
I have to focus so hard on remembering everything, planning my life out, making sure my baby girl doesn't do anything life threatening, that I'm intimidated to let go and be intimate with the Lord. It seems so loose and free, like those times belong to a different era when I had less to worry about.
How can the two mesh? How can I keep up with the demands of life and still be free to pursue the adventure of the Lord? Maybe that question seems easy to answer with logical answers - but practically, it's a whole different story.
I'm afraid of the repercussions that might come with prioritizing God's Romance. Realistically, I need more help with life. I've got to give up some of the things that I can't handle so I can run freer after the Lord's adventure. I'm beginning to feel tied down, restricted, and tired. Hard to admit, but true. But what if I am never understood? What if I just become a broken record of asking for help, or worse, am told that I just need to organize more? Bottom line - I need Jesus. More of Him. And in a way that awakens my heart to life. Not more processes, skills, or ideas. Ahhhhhhhhhh...I really, really, love the Lord................
It's late. You got some real parts of my heart tonight <3 Heather
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