Different Focus

As I've been reading this past week I've found that I really need this book right now. Not in a "Oh yeah that's a good point in the book", but in a "WOW Did he really just say that...because that is my life RIGHT NOW!" One part that I recently resonated with was in Ch. 5 when the author talks about Lieutenant Dan in "Forrest Gump" and his ongoing inability to see God's intent for his life while recklessly pursuing lust and pain in hopes to numb his mind from his bitter past. Yep that's me. Okay maybe not to the same extreme, but in many ways I can see the Lord changing my trajectory in this area. In the past I've run to relationships, alcohol, lust and pity to resolve the need for God's fulfillment, or at least the knowledge of what He's doing in my life.

 Over the past few years and now I see God changing the way I perceive and process my life's struggles. Like Lt. Dan and many others I focus way too much on the struggle or "thing" I'm facing. I certainly identify with it more than God. I could see this plain as day after reading that part of the book, church sermon and the leadership meeting. ALL TODAY. It was like God had a blinking sign over Himself that said "Hey You Here's Your Answer". To identify with the sin or struggle that you're facing is placing a blinder on God's intent and will for your life. It's cutting yourself off from reflecting His glory and goodness onto others. It is the death of your personal ministry. And that's what I've been doing. And this is where I'm stopping.

On the brighter side I love the way that my roommates and I are connecting over this book. It has brought us to a more open and genuine place in our friendships and I can say that I know now that I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

Alright after long delay and utter procrastination I am finally blogging.

Honestly this book has been an upside down emotional roller coaster for me. Starting out I thought oh my goodness this guy is crazy and I don't understand what feeling the breeze and listening to bullfrogs jump from one lily pad to another has anything to do with growing more intimate with God. Until about chapter 4 I was kinda fed up with the metaphors and touchy feely faith...just get to the point. Then I realized I hadn't been reading this book with the right perspective and I wasn't processing it in the way I need to receive it.

I can't remember the last time I had those butterfly like expectations in my heart for Jesus. I can't remember what it feels like to experience the rush of excitement knowing that Jesus is pursuing me. When Brent talks about the heart I resonate with the yearning for intimacy, beauty and adventure. But many times fear and thoughts of the past and doubt quickly trump that yearning. I want to get that place again in my walk. That place where I can feel the pursuit of the Lord on my life. Where I can physically feel Him pulling and tugging on me. I want to want Him again.

Pastor Eric talked this week at church about discouragement and how it completely blows the confidence we have in Christ. I realized a big Arrow on my heart is discouragement. Lately with all of the arrows that are hitting the girls I disciple and myself.. I've felt discouraged. Discouraged as a leader.. and ready to give up. On Sunday I gave it to the Lord... I can't handle all of these things.. all of these arrows..And i'm not expected to. I can't let these things..these hurts and pain affect me or my walk with God...or daily living. He has to heal them and take them away. I can't. And that is honestly a shot to my pride of desperately wanting to please people and be a good leader. I cannot do this without the intimacy that He has for me. I guess my next question is..how do I get there?

I have a few thoughts. I need accountability..Accountability for life boundaries and a discipline for growing this intimacy with God. I shared a vulnerable piece of my heart today with Lacey for starters to that accountability. I need to fast and pray as a lifestyle. Pastor Eric talked about reaching a point in your walk where the same old same old doesn't cut it anymore..I've reached that point about ten million times over again. I'm tired and I need more amo.

That's all for now..

Deep Thoughts

I am constantly unprepared for this book! Here are my most recent thoughts...

College had been such a crazy, romantic time for me. My relationship with the Lord lit my heart up and unveiled a new way of living. For a long time I felt like I was actively living within the Romance. Everyday was consumed with Him...it was always Him.

In an unforeseen way, marriage changed things. You might think more romance is good for the Romance - and technically, you're right. This earthly relationship should spur my heart on for the Heavenly Romance. And really, it does (I LOVE marriage - ask anybody!) However, the older I get, the more components I'm adding to my life. First I added a husband. But I also subtracted the close proximity of my best girl friend at the same time. Those were two huge adjustments. Then I added a job that broke my heart, a job that worked my heart over, and a job my heart had always wanted. This also had its adjustments - not to mention its mental exercises. Then we moved 3 times, changed vocations, and had a baby.

The reality is...my heart has become so distracted and cluttered. I feel constantly confronted with living up to the expectations of my new roles. Just when I feel like I've got a handle on one new aspect of life, a whole new collection of expectations come to my plate.

At times this has silenced the call of the Romance for me. I often hear it calling, but stuff it away to answer to call of "life's expectations".

Lately, I've seen myself longing for it in the way I act. I need what only an adventure with the Lord can give me, but I put the responsibility of fulfilling this need on my husband, other people, or my job. I feel as though I'm turning back around on those things that have expectation of me and I say "What's in it for me? What are you giving me in return? You demand so much out of me, don't you have something to offer now that I'm empty?

I have to focus so hard on remembering everything, planning my life out, making sure my baby girl doesn't do anything life threatening, that I'm intimidated to let go and be intimate with the Lord. It seems so loose and free, like those times belong to a different era when I had less to worry about.

How can the two mesh? How can I keep up with the demands of life and still be free to pursue the adventure of the Lord? Maybe that question seems easy to answer with logical answers - but practically, it's a whole different story.

I'm afraid of the repercussions that might come with prioritizing God's Romance. Realistically, I need more help with life. I've got to give up some of the things that I can't handle so I can run freer after the Lord's adventure. I'm beginning to feel tied down, restricted, and tired. Hard to admit, but true. But what if I am never understood? What if I just become a broken record of asking for help, or worse, am told that I just need to organize more? Bottom line - I need Jesus. More of Him. And in a way that awakens my heart to life. Not more processes, skills, or ideas. Ahhhhhhhhhh...I really, really, love the Lord................

It's late. You got some real parts of my heart tonight <3 Heather

More of the good stuff that is this book

This latest chunk that I have read has been addressing the idea that many worry because often times God seems very unpredictable in what he does, when he does it, and how he does it. The book very aptly states that through this confusion, many of us abandon the idea of being involved in some great story and purpose because we have no idea of what God is up to, what is going on with our lives, and how we are supposed to fit into this great big story. I totally related to the author when he began to describe how often times we try to remedy this confusion by writing our own stories for ourselves. These stories are under our control, we don't have to wait on anyone to hopefully save us, we just self-administer cheap fulfillment and call it a day. I was shocked at how bluntly the book called out how so many of us do this very thing in our own Christian walks. We try to package everything neatly and make God more predictable by deciding that if things are going wrong, then we just need to do more work for Him to make Him happy again. I think that the book is accurate in calling this mentality similar to idol worship; taking the feelings and unpredictability of a living God out and stuffing a mathematical solution of service and reward in its place.

One things that was a big wake up call for me was when the author challenged us to stop viewing God as the Author, cold and manipulating, and to begin to see him as a feeling, living character. The chapter leading up to this began to show the confusion and hurt that we find ourselves in when we embrace the viewpoint that God is just the one pulling the strings and sometimes doesn't pull the string that we are really wanting/needing him to. I'll be honest and say that even reading about this view in a hypothetical scenario made me start to feel doubtful and despairing. Seeing Him as the hero of the story was liberating, it brought so many things out of confusion and into it's proper light. In addition to this, it allowed me to really engage with God's motives, desires and feelings; things that I occasionally forget that He has.

Excited to learn more!

-Dylan

Do I dare trust His heart?

As I've been reading this book, my first thoughts were excitement over it, then a feeling of being let down because I didn't feel like it was affecting me. It felt like just one more thing to add to my to do list, one more thing to get through because I had to. Between reading chapter 6 today and a long hard conversation that was had, I now feel like this book truly will help me in my growth towards the Lord.

Chapter 6 takes a long hard look at who God is and why he even bothered with us. So often, I forget who God is, what his heart is. I view him (if subconsciously) as a task master: someone to tell me what to do, what not to do, what I should be doing if I want to get it right. I also have a prevailing image in my brain: I am a soldier. That is what I am good for, that is my purpose. I am only a bloody, bruised soldier going to war. Suit up, and go. But today I had a thought. Does that give too much credit to the enemy even then? Yes, we are soldiers fighting for the Lord. He wouldn't give us armor if we weren't. But is that the prevailing image that I should have all the time? No one wants this ALL the time.

God is a lover. More than any of us, myself especially, can understand. While I'm always ready and waiting for him to bring down the hammer on everything I have done wrong recently, or haven't done perfectly, he has been waiting to bandage my wounds, tell me what I did right, and draw me nearer to him. So, how do I let my guard down enough to allow him to come near? This is a hard thing in this hard, task driven society. It's hard to imagine that God really (outside of us glorifying and praising him) just wants a romance with us. But isn't it romance that will drive the deepest loyalty, the strongest conviction, the hardest fight we have? We fight harder for things we care about and for people we know love and care for us. We throw down with others over insults to them. Doesn't it stand to reason that God is the same way?

God is the hero of the fairytale that I have spent my entire life yearning for. I've always wanted to be brave enough to have the adventure, to be the strong woman at the side of the hero. Truth is, I am part of a fairytale, and have been kept asleep to the reality of it. I don't see all the spiritual battles going on around me and over me. Even as I know they are happening, I've still been kept alseep to their realities. But God wants me to be his maiden. And not just a strong woman, but his damsel that he rescues and they go on to have glorious adventures together. So often I feel that I just need to run harder after God, I need more of his heart, I'm not doing it right, I have nothing left to give out anymore. But He has been pursuing me. Before the beginning of time. And there lies my hope, that while I am still walking this out, still figuring out how to let him in to the deepest parts of me, still allowing myself to be vulnerable with him, he won't give up and walk away.

Simon Tugwell said it beautifully at the end of the chapter: "So long as we imagine that it is we who have to look for God, we must often lose heart. But it is the other way around. He is looking for us. And so we can afford to recoginze that very often we are not looking for God: far from it, we are in full flight from him, in high rebellion against him. and he knows that and has taken it into account. He has followed us into our own darkness; there where we thought finally to escape him, we run straight into his arms. So we do not have to erect a false piety for ourselves, to give us the hope of salvation. Our hope is in his determination to save us, and he will not give in."

~Staci

Who knew that opening a book could result in the opening of my heart?

First time ever blogging, we'll see how this goes! (Feel free to leave comments on my blogging style below if I'm doing it all wrong)

As I worked my way through the first chapter I can honestly say that my reaction to it could be summed up in one single word; skepticism. I was quick to try to dismiss any notion that I should be embracing "romantic daydreaming" heart desires by citing verses such as Jeremiah 17:9 ("The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?") and 1 Corinthians 13:11 (When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me."). I was drawn in however when the author posed the very question that I was asking him with arms crossed, "What does this Romance have to do with God?" I was really wrestling with the thought that a book is supposed to tell you what to do, not relate to you about feelings that you've had. This question showed me that we were in fact getting somewhere and that he author is aware of impatient, answer focused people and allowed me to relax into the ride that they were taking me on. 

After that, I can honestly say that I am getting a lot out of the book. I really resonated with the idea of fear trying to choke out our hope. I experienced this a lot during the election season. There is a part of me that would rather die that give into hopelessness and fear. This came out when I took an honest look at my vote and discovered that the only reason that I was going to vote for Romney was out of fear of what President Obama would do if re-elected. This upset me and I did not want to resign my soul to a world where I made my decisions with cold calculation and fear. This is why, even though many may call it childish and impractical, I wrote "King Jesus" in for my vote for President. The amazing thing for me was how freeing it was for me to do that. It was like I was finally able to break the shackles of fear and "practicality" and truly embrace my heart and its hopes in that moment.

I also was able to see more about the past wounds that I had received. Growing up, I wanted to be both the hero and the romantic lover of the story as is to be expected. Life began to try tell me however that I could never be the hero. I was not as athletic as any of my friends and that was a huge deal for me. I was made fun of and made an outcast due to me lack of physical strength. At the beginning of high school, I decided to throw in the towel and give up on my aspirations to become the hero and pursue the only remaining option of being the lover. I exchanged my football cleats for a microphone, dance shoes, and a stage. I began to pour my whole life out in an attempt to become the kind of character that you see in chick flicks  lacking in masculinity but making up for it in ability to win over a woman's heart. This desperate and frankly pathetic pursuit was not fulfilling to me however because I still had the need, despite how hard I attempted to repress it, to be the one who goes through the flames and uses every ounce of his masculine strength to pull through. The pain that I felt from this climaxed when I realized that my father was silently worrying for me that I was becoming homosexual due to my sudden change of interests in activities. That devastated me.

I am excited to go through this book because while I have made great strides in allowing God to speak truth over me in this area and allowing him to reawaken the desire for heroism, I am realizing that I haven't done much to deal with the pain of the past wounds yet. My energy has been much more focused on trying to surround myself with men that I see to possess that heroic spark and try to have them recognize it in me as well. When those moments come that I feel validated in my heroism,  it provides some encouragement and relief from the pain of the past wounds, but the wounds themselves still remain. I am excited to continue through this book and hope that it sheds some light on where I am supposed to go now, because right now I feel very exposed and hopeful, but not yet resolved.



-Dylan

A Whispering Heart

I am stirred to my core as I read reference after reference to "the sigh", this "still small voice". I can't explain how many times, in varied seasons of my life, I have felt that whisper. Often it's been during times when I finally allow my mind to be still (like sleep) and I'm defenseless to the will of God....This book is timed perfectly, because I really do feel the Spirit whispering to me again. I'm hoping to get a little guidance on how to respond. How do you keep the passion alive? A great question for any relationship.

I remember moments when I've given in & taken the risk - the challenge to love God deeply. Yet there seems to always be a coming back to zero. I'm desperate to live a life of consistent, passionate love for Christ. Am I willing to face the cost? I'm praying I will be. Bring on the romance, Lord. I'm ready to be wooed!

-Heather

The Sacred Romance

This novel is one that is both exciting to read and intimidating. Exciting in that I need to read a book that is all about drawing closer to the heart of God, but intimidating because I don't know what will be asked of me, yet. I haven't gotten far in the book, but I think that we are all in for a great awakening. After some artistic descriptions to start us off wondering what in the world a sacred romance looked like, the book begins to speak on a hard topic: the wounds that we have received from everyone and everything in life that tell us that there is nothing more to life than pain. But, there is always the pull in my heart. The understanding that there has to be something more than this. Otherwise I would not care what the world has told me over time. I have a heartcry to have a romance that is wild and untamed and exciting. . . and not with any human either. Something bigger is what I long for. Do I dare to let the Lord in to the wounds where the arrows of the enemy have pierced me in order to bring healing? Or do I turn away to protect those wounds, not because I love pain but because the unknown feels scarier than what I already know, even if what I know is pain?

A New Avenue

Starting in November 2012, our DaytonXA staff team is going to start blogging during our monthly book club reading! We want to have another avenue of engaging students in what we are learning. Every week, each of our staffers will post about something that struck them, ministered to them, taught them a lesson...you get the idea :)

Since we started book club, we have read:

• Living Your Strengths, by Winseman, Clifton & Liesveld
• Daring to Live on the Edge: The Adventure of Faith and Finances, by Loren Cunningham 
• The Live Dead Journal: 30 Days of Prayer for Unreached Peoples, by Dick Brogden
  
  
  Our November book isn't set yet. But it will be, before this month is out. Thanks for coming on this journey with us. We hope it is educational and exciting!
   
  -Heather