Wired for Intimacy has been an interesting and difficult book to read to say the least. Interesting in that it is highlighting areas of the brain and how a man's mind really works, why porn is addictive, and everything very well. There are facts that I never knew or could possibly understand before. It has allowed me to better understand the men around me and my own husband better. It has been difficult, however, because the first half is very science rich ( a good thing for those needing facts and scientific data), and all of the chemicals and neurons and body signals and brain connections honestly got very confusing after a little while of reading them. However, I did take away the main point: we were all wired for intimacy- physically, emotionally and chemically- and pornography rewires all of these areas in men (and women).
That being said, I'm am excited to begin the half of the book that is more about healing for men and a change in viewpoint for them. I look forward to understanding men better. To understanding how God designed men to be male (not better, not worse, MALE) and what that really should look like. How I can better understand the men around me and how I can, as a woman, be supportive of those who are trying to allow God to re-rewire their brain pathways. Honestly, I also want to understand my husband better. How can I love him better, how can I serve him better, how are we different in our emotional need for intimacy and what does that look like. I'm hoping that even an understanding of a man from this book's perspective (based around pornography) will allow me to grow in understanding of him and men in general. God is always working a little more "I am woman, hear me roar!" out of me, and the more understanding I gain of how God designed men, and why that is good, the easier it is to be rewired myself.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Science and sex, waiting for the solution
A few interesting statements from the book.
However, The use of the scientific method becomes problematic when making ethical or legal statements about what to do with the results of the studies.
Like the Bible, the Internet is filled with tales of the transforming power of romantic love,as well as the destructiveness of misguided sexuality.
The social stigma associated with watching porn has diminished over the years.
It is not the shouting of pornography because it’s so much power over men. It is the whispering of the line of sexual for filament that prey on our human insecurities.
Naomi Wolf, a feminist, has notes that pornography has numbed healthy sexuality of men who are active consumers of it…. Today, real naked women are just bad porn.
Some thoughts on the “is porn a sin” question. If there is no moral standard, all porn and sexuality is fair game, even ones that are illegal in the US. That’s scary to think about. Pleasure seeking humans with no restraint is horrifying.
More powerful quotes from the book…
To properly oriented conscience, viewing pornography elicits a healthy sense of guilt.
………….
Overall, much of this book, from an academic standpoint, is very understandable. I look forward to the solution part. I feel as though I have seen the adverse effects of porn of any type, but I long to see our friends and Christian family free from it!
- Andy
However, The use of the scientific method becomes problematic when making ethical or legal statements about what to do with the results of the studies.
Like the Bible, the Internet is filled with tales of the transforming power of romantic love,as well as the destructiveness of misguided sexuality.
The social stigma associated with watching porn has diminished over the years.
It is not the shouting of pornography because it’s so much power over men. It is the whispering of the line of sexual for filament that prey on our human insecurities.
Naomi Wolf, a feminist, has notes that pornography has numbed healthy sexuality of men who are active consumers of it…. Today, real naked women are just bad porn.
Some thoughts on the “is porn a sin” question. If there is no moral standard, all porn and sexuality is fair game, even ones that are illegal in the US. That’s scary to think about. Pleasure seeking humans with no restraint is horrifying.
More powerful quotes from the book…
To properly oriented conscience, viewing pornography elicits a healthy sense of guilt.
………….
Overall, much of this book, from an academic standpoint, is very understandable. I look forward to the solution part. I feel as though I have seen the adverse effects of porn of any type, but I long to see our friends and Christian family free from it!
- Andy
Hyper-sexed and hating it...
I’ll be blogging a bit for our staff book club this month. We are reading the book “Wired for intimacy” by William M. Struthers. Here are my initial thoughts.
Hypersexuality - very interesting choice of word. I totally agree that we have been “over-sexed” as a culture. Meaning that what God has designed, was blown out of proportion and most of its constraints.
“If you don’t view it intentionally, you will unintentionally” - so true. Heather and I have found ourselves considering things that we have previously deemed “overboard” or “prude” in terms of ways to avoid even sexualized commercials being on our TV during football.
“Not enough attention has been placed on the brain when regarding this sin, addiction, etc.”
I think the "hyper-sexed" term has stuck out to me the most so far. From clothing fads, to commercials, to anything media related, it's truly awful.
- Andy
Hypersexuality - very interesting choice of word. I totally agree that we have been “over-sexed” as a culture. Meaning that what God has designed, was blown out of proportion and most of its constraints.
“If you don’t view it intentionally, you will unintentionally” - so true. Heather and I have found ourselves considering things that we have previously deemed “overboard” or “prude” in terms of ways to avoid even sexualized commercials being on our TV during football.
“Not enough attention has been placed on the brain when regarding this sin, addiction, etc.”
I think the "hyper-sexed" term has stuck out to me the most so far. From clothing fads, to commercials, to anything media related, it's truly awful.
- Andy
About women...
Wired for Intimacy is a book that promises to be very enlightening to what is really happening in the brain when the very normalized pornography addiction occurs. I say normalized because a few days ago I had the thought that there really seems to be no man who has not been addicted to or at the very least viewed porn before. It was a hopeless feeling of how can I protect my children? What is happening? It is now not normal to think that a young man would have not viewed porn, and I sometimes struggle when thinking of my younger, nonChristian brother and the potential stuff he is getting into. But I don't feel that this is just a mans' problem anymore. I know that at a young age I began to struggle with sexual sin, and while I know where my story with it began, and ended, there are women out there who don't know. This is a truth that is becoming more apparent the more women I talk to. There is a seeming correlation with young and this particular sin. I have heard many stories begin with, "I was just a little girl...".
It has become apparent to me that this is not just a man problem, but a human problem. Only, it feels like only one side gets the attention. There is very little out there on the effects of porn on women (and female porn is not always just pictures. There are plenty of romance novels that feed into this area of our minds and hearts). But an interesting discussion my husband and I discussed recently (in light of the book) is what is appropriate for a woman to share in public? Should she announce in mixed company that she has struggled with sexual sin due to men having very visual minds (especially if they are still in sexual sin themselves)? Should it matter? I confess that there was a feminist part of me that reared up at the thought and wanted to lash out that it was just the "man" holding us down, it shouldn't matter, etc etc etc. But it may, and as a Christian with many Christian brothers (and for men in general), I need to be willing to sacrifice what I want to say for the benefit of the men around me. So maybe a discussion on women within a group of women would be beneficial, but not if there are men around. Still, I have not come to a final conclusion on this. Probably a a middle ground is better suited to this, but I'm still trying to discover what the middle ground here would be.
I'm still working through this thought process, and I hope to have a better understanding soon.
It has become apparent to me that this is not just a man problem, but a human problem. Only, it feels like only one side gets the attention. There is very little out there on the effects of porn on women (and female porn is not always just pictures. There are plenty of romance novels that feed into this area of our minds and hearts). But an interesting discussion my husband and I discussed recently (in light of the book) is what is appropriate for a woman to share in public? Should she announce in mixed company that she has struggled with sexual sin due to men having very visual minds (especially if they are still in sexual sin themselves)? Should it matter? I confess that there was a feminist part of me that reared up at the thought and wanted to lash out that it was just the "man" holding us down, it shouldn't matter, etc etc etc. But it may, and as a Christian with many Christian brothers (and for men in general), I need to be willing to sacrifice what I want to say for the benefit of the men around me. So maybe a discussion on women within a group of women would be beneficial, but not if there are men around. Still, I have not come to a final conclusion on this. Probably a a middle ground is better suited to this, but I'm still trying to discover what the middle ground here would be.
I'm still working through this thought process, and I hope to have a better understanding soon.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Wired For Intamacy Part 1
This book is turly a breath of fresh air. I believe that pornography is one of the most damagnig things in our society today due to its secretive nature and its incredibly widespread viewing and as such needs to be adressed more vocally. Admitidly, I am anxious to get to the chapters dealing with the nuerology of pornography consumption as well as some of the means to rewire your brain. Thus far, the bulk of what I have read details the ways that pornography can rework your thinking and ruin you for intimacy. I have had to be very intentional in taking these chapters in because frankly, I have experienced much of it firsthand. Like so many nowadays, I was exposed to pornography at a young age while with a friend on his family computer. It then became something that gripped me very firmly and began squeezing the life out of me until Jesus began working it out of me my first year in Chi Alpha. By that point it had become a full blown addiction and took a lot of Jesus and a lot of exposure and determination to break. Excitingly though, this month marks my third full year pornography free!
Something that I am learning that is very important for whoever reads this blog is this: Do not think that if you are a female or have never fallen captive to pornography that this book is not for you. I would recommend it to anyone because if you are not dealing with the harmful effects of pornography in your own head, it does not exempt you from dealing with its negative effects that effect many of those who you interact with in the world on a daily basis.
In addition to this I had a few other things stand out to me as I read. The first was simply a sobering glance at just what my life would have likely become if Jesus had not helped me to confess this sin. One of the parts in the book so far discussed how the content often becomes more and more disturbing as we become desensitized to the images shown to us. By the time that Jesus set me free, I had already began the shockingly rapid decline into more and more disturbing things. I would finish veiwing things and wonder to myself for hours how I could have ever gotten to a point that I was aroused by the types of things that I had just viewed...only to suprise myself again the next day or week. I praise God for setting me free! Another disturbing thing that I have noticed in regards to pornography research (I did some similar research to this book my senior year as a way to bring this sin to the light for my classmates) was that a large portion of it was done by secular femenist researchers. I found myself wondering: WHERE ARE THE MEN WHO WILL STAND UP FOR HOLINESS AND STAND AGAINST THIS EVIL! We need a generation of college age men to go directly and noticably against the current of the society we are in on this campus. It speaks volumes when there is someone who fits the porn addict mold (i.e. a 18-24 year old male) who is willing to stand up in a class discussion and tell the class that pornography is an abomonation and that we should be seeking to be set free from it instead of making jokes about it.
Lastly, I would like to invite any guy who is still caught in pornography to come and talk with me about it. I know that I felt dirty and hopless when I was held slave to it but my victory came through confession: to my brothers, to my pastor, to my dad. I am totally available to help you as someone who knows what it is like.
Side note: Forgive me as I am still figuring out how in deapth to share about my struggles in this area. I have been chewing on Ephesians 5:11-12 for help in knowing whether to "bear it all" and expose what my life looked like or whether to not shamefully mention what I did in secret as a man disobedient to Christ. Any commentary on those verses that you deem helpful for good discussion are welcome as comments below!
Something that I am learning that is very important for whoever reads this blog is this: Do not think that if you are a female or have never fallen captive to pornography that this book is not for you. I would recommend it to anyone because if you are not dealing with the harmful effects of pornography in your own head, it does not exempt you from dealing with its negative effects that effect many of those who you interact with in the world on a daily basis.
In addition to this I had a few other things stand out to me as I read. The first was simply a sobering glance at just what my life would have likely become if Jesus had not helped me to confess this sin. One of the parts in the book so far discussed how the content often becomes more and more disturbing as we become desensitized to the images shown to us. By the time that Jesus set me free, I had already began the shockingly rapid decline into more and more disturbing things. I would finish veiwing things and wonder to myself for hours how I could have ever gotten to a point that I was aroused by the types of things that I had just viewed...only to suprise myself again the next day or week. I praise God for setting me free! Another disturbing thing that I have noticed in regards to pornography research (I did some similar research to this book my senior year as a way to bring this sin to the light for my classmates) was that a large portion of it was done by secular femenist researchers. I found myself wondering: WHERE ARE THE MEN WHO WILL STAND UP FOR HOLINESS AND STAND AGAINST THIS EVIL! We need a generation of college age men to go directly and noticably against the current of the society we are in on this campus. It speaks volumes when there is someone who fits the porn addict mold (i.e. a 18-24 year old male) who is willing to stand up in a class discussion and tell the class that pornography is an abomonation and that we should be seeking to be set free from it instead of making jokes about it.
Lastly, I would like to invite any guy who is still caught in pornography to come and talk with me about it. I know that I felt dirty and hopless when I was held slave to it but my victory came through confession: to my brothers, to my pastor, to my dad. I am totally available to help you as someone who knows what it is like.
Side note: Forgive me as I am still figuring out how in deapth to share about my struggles in this area. I have been chewing on Ephesians 5:11-12 for help in knowing whether to "bear it all" and expose what my life looked like or whether to not shamefully mention what I did in secret as a man disobedient to Christ. Any commentary on those verses that you deem helpful for good discussion are welcome as comments below!
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Little did I know..
After reading the first Chapter I'm blown away by how little I actually knew about pornography. I'm going to start out by saying that yes I've struggled with porn. This past semester I came clean to Heather after years of hiding and isolating my sin. I wish I could tell you that I'm over it...That my struggle is gone, but I'm still working through it with The Lord. Before I would try to carry it myself, leaving the guilt buried on top of me until I found an outlet of release. I'm not just excited to read this book, I'm relieved. Although it targets men specifically, I know this book is for me.
I was intrigued most by the authors view on porn. He demonstrated it as anything that defiles God's original creation.. In His image. I did not realize how much porn I looked at before even opening myself up to what we would call explicit porn. Whether it was images in a magazine, CD covers, television ads etc. We are exposed to porn at a very early age. Like at least 5 years old for me. No wonder over half of our ATeam including myself have struggled with sexual sin.. It's everywhere.
So how do we combat it? Juicy is a great start, but for students to have breakthrough we need consistency. Maybe after Juicy we have private forums (guys and girls separated) for just our students to talk about these things on a more intimate small group level. Knowing someone who you are friends with struggles or has struggled with the same
sin you are dealing with creates a safe environment for you to be vulnerable.
The author talked about the three C engine. I was most interested in the Community aspect of pornography. He talks about it in a negative light ( those who delve into porn have a common bond) I can see this in my own life and in students' lives of friendships being built on struggle rather than breakthrough. Here's how it goes " I struggle with this" "Oh I do too let's sit and talk about how we struggle with it together" There isn't victory in that. Our students (including us) need to know and feel comfortable reaching out to people who can help us.
That's all.. I wrote a lot. Or at least that's what it looks like on my phone :)
I was intrigued most by the authors view on porn. He demonstrated it as anything that defiles God's original creation.. In His image. I did not realize how much porn I looked at before even opening myself up to what we would call explicit porn. Whether it was images in a magazine, CD covers, television ads etc. We are exposed to porn at a very early age. Like at least 5 years old for me. No wonder over half of our ATeam including myself have struggled with sexual sin.. It's everywhere.
So how do we combat it? Juicy is a great start, but for students to have breakthrough we need consistency. Maybe after Juicy we have private forums (guys and girls separated) for just our students to talk about these things on a more intimate small group level. Knowing someone who you are friends with struggles or has struggled with the same
sin you are dealing with creates a safe environment for you to be vulnerable.
The author talked about the three C engine. I was most interested in the Community aspect of pornography. He talks about it in a negative light ( those who delve into porn have a common bond) I can see this in my own life and in students' lives of friendships being built on struggle rather than breakthrough. Here's how it goes " I struggle with this" "Oh I do too let's sit and talk about how we struggle with it together" There isn't victory in that. Our students (including us) need to know and feel comfortable reaching out to people who can help us.
That's all.. I wrote a lot. Or at least that's what it looks like on my phone :)
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